When the Mask Comes Off: Unseen Sensory Suppression and the “Fine” Sibling
Jennifer Glacel • July 8, 2025
by Jennifer Glacel & Gabriele Nicolet
There’s a kind of masking that often goes unnoticed—not because it’s subtle, but because it’s unconscious. It’s not the visible kind we often talk about with neurodivergent kids—the effortful shape-shifting, code-switching, or mimicry that some children use to blend in or “pass” in neurotypical environments. No, this kind of masking runs deeper. It’s the invisible, instinctive kind that a child doesn’t even know they’re doing. And it often belongs not to the child everyone’s worried about—but to their sibling. The one who’s “fine.” The one who’s “easy.” The one who is, quietly and unconsciously, carrying an enormous load.
In families raising a child with complex needs, space is often carved out for that child by necessity. And that’s okay—that is how it works. But in the margins, another child might be learning to adapt, to shrink, to suppress parts of themselves—not out of malice, not even out of conscious choice, but out of love, or instinct, or simply survival. These children may seem to be thriving on the surface: they get good grades, follow the rules, and don’t require interventions or extra meetings. But sometimes, they are doing all of that while unknowingly muting their own sensory experience of the world. Not because they can, but because they must—in order to make space for their sibling, meet the unspoken emotional needs of the family, and/or keep everything running smoothly.
This is masking of a different order. And once it’s uncovered, it’s hard—if not impossible—to go back.
Once a child (or teen, or adult) begins to realize that they’ve been unconsciously pushing down sensory discomfort or emotional overwhelm for years, something shifts. It’s a bit like realizing you’ve been dragging around a giant purple elephant your whole life. You always knew things were hard, that some doors were harder to get through than they should be—but you didn’t know why. Once you see the elephant—feel the weight of it, name it—you can’t unsee it. You can no longer wedge yourself and your elephant through every narrow doorway at any cost. The cost becomes too high. And that’s when something new begins.
This is particularly relevant in our work with teens. So many of them have been tracking toward what looks like success: an advanced diploma, a dream college, a well-planned future. They’re doing everything “right,” but they’re also living on the very edge of burnout. Or they’re already there. And here’s the crux: once they realize they’ve been suppressing their needs—ignoring sensory overload, overriding exhaustion, minimizing emotional distress—they cannot go back. Because meeting those expectations now requires them to reject their own experience. And now that they know, they can’t unknow.
This is where the mask breaks down completely. Not out of rebellion, but out of necessity. Because staying on the path would mean abandoning themselves. And often, that’s when these teens step off the track—not because they’ve failed, but because they’ve finally tuned into what they need. They are no longer willing to twist themselves into shapes that meet the demands of a system that was never designed for them in the first place.
And so we circle back to the sibling. The one who was always "okay." The one who quietly, invisibly, shaped their behaviors and bodies to make room. Sometimes they, too, are neurodivergent—but no one noticed. Because their masking was unconscious. Because they weren't melting down or refusing school. Because they just figured out how to drag that purple elephant through the door without anyone ever seeing it.
But if we are serious—truly serious—about telling kids to listen to themselves, to notice what they need, to advocate for their sensory and emotional well-being… then we have to be ready for what comes next. We have to be prepared to let go of some of the old frameworks. Because when a child stops masking, the environment around them often has to shift too.
The truth is, once the mask is off, it cannot be put back on. Not without harm. Not without cost.
So the invitation is this: if you’re raising a “fine” kid alongside your complicated one, stay curious. Notice the child who doesn’t seem to need anything. Ask yourself not only what they’re saying—but what they’ve never had the space to say. Because masking isn’t always a behavior we see. Sometimes it’s silence. Sometimes it’s success. Sometimes it’s just a child trying to feel safe in a world that doesn’t yet know how to see them.
And when they finally let you see the elephant—they’ll need you to help widen the door.
This blog post was co-written by:
Gabriele Nicolet, MA, CCC-SLP Jennifer Glacel, LCSW, RPT-S
gabrielenicolet.com sevencornerspsychotherapy.com
Check out the first of four blog posts on neurodivergence and masking at https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/blog/hidden-cost-of-masking . Next week we'll share part two on the SCP blog! More about Gabriele.... Gabriele Nicolet, MA, CCC-SLP is a speech-language pathologist, parent coach, podcast host, and founder of Complicated Kids—a practice devoted to helping families thrive by supporting the growth of neurodivergent children and the people who love them. For over two decades, Gabriele has walked alongside parents who are navigating the emotional and logistical complexities of raising children with developmental differences, including autism, ADHD, sensory processing challenges, and speech and language delays. Her work combines evidence-based developmental expertise with deep compassion, meeting families exactly where they are and helping them move forward with clarity and confidence. Known as “The Toddler Whisperer” by many of the families she serves, Gabriele has a rare gift for decoding children’s behavior and translating it into actionable insights for caregivers. Her approach is grounded in neuroscience and child development, but it’s also warm, real, and practical. She believes that when parents feel supported—not judged—they become the calm, confident leaders their children need. Through one-on-one consultations, group coaching, online workshops and her podcast, Gabriele empowers parents to shift from frustration and self-doubt to connection and hope. She helps caregivers reframe “problem behaviors” as developmental signals and equips them with tools to create more ease, understanding, and joy at home. Gabriele is also the host of the Complicated Kids Podcast and a frequent speaker at parenting events, conferences, and schools. Whether in a classroom, a living room, or a Zoom room, her message is consistent: your child is not broken—and neither are you. Together, you can do this. When she’s not working with families, Gabriele enjoys long walks, good books, and strong coffee. She lives in Washington, D.C., and is the proud parent of two mostly-grown children from whom she continues to learn life’s most important lessons.
Over the past year, anxiety has risen for everyone. And yet, while we have acknowledged that rise in anxiety and stress, the expectation has been that we continue to function at the same level in our day to day activities. This isn’t working! We see the breakdown in our kids struggle to complete basic tasks and focus at school all day long. We see it in our own shortened fuses. It makes me think back to that talk I gave last year with a desire to expand and underline one point in particular: The best way to help our kids with their anxiety is to take care of our own. If we are less stressed and less anxious: we have a greater ability to be with someone who is more stressed and anxious. What does this mean? It means we can handle the whining, the pushing back, and the apparent lack of productivity with more grace. And we can see it for what it is – a message saying, “I’m not okay, I don’t feel safe, I need you to help me feel safe.” When we ourselves are stressed, tired, and anxious: we see the whining and push back as defiance or bad behavior. We need our kids to fall into line so we can manage our own feelings and so, frequently, we unintentionally make their worries bigger. Our children are like super sensitive antenna, picking up on and absorbing the feelings around them. When we are worried, it reinforces for them that they need to be worried too. So, what do we do? It can feel selfish, but we figure out how to take care of ourselves and our own worries and stressors first. We exercise, eat well, and get sleep. We talk to our own therapists. Often, we can involve our children in our stress relieving activities – going on walks together, baking together, watching a movie or playing a video game together. We should also talk honestly about what is going on with our children – with developmentally appropriate language, of course. We let them know when we are worried and stressed and, to the best of our ability, why. We name our own feelings and what we are doing about them. We model taking breaks and lowering our own standards for ourselves. When there is a plan to handle the stress and anxiety, we talk about it – which parts are in our control and which are not. We can give ourselves – and our children – the space to fall apart, to not be okay, to scream and cry and yell. Often it is incredibly helpful to have someone in this space with us and so a therapist for your child is a great idea. Not so that all problems can be solved, but rather so that there is someone to sit with your child in their grief, sadness and worry who is not you. So much of what we have been anxious about over the past year has been out of our control, and it has been hard to find someone who is taking control of it. It is hard to lower our anxiety when this is the case – when we are in the middle of a stressful event, we can’t process it or heal from it. All we can do is manage through. And managing through can often mean changing expectations of what we can realistically expect from ourselves and others. Once we feel more in control, we can help our kids do the same. Some of this work requires a true reckoning of what we are anxious about, what we can and cannot control, and how we need to change our expectations of ourselves in these moments. Too often, we are very good at saying “I need to take better care of myself” without being so good at making the hard, sometimes life changing steps to do so. At Seven Corners Psychotherapy we can help you and we can help your children manage through the big feelings that we are all experiencing and the big feelings that are brought on by individual circumstances. We have a variety of individual and group therapy options that may meet your needs. To highlight one in particular, we are currently putting together a parenting group with a focus on helping parents build new skills of connection with their children while taking care of their own needs. Email groups@sevencornerspsychotherapy.com to learn more. With a new year and a new President, there is new hope that we will have the leadership to help solve some of the big, structural stressors in our life. If you are looking for that help in a more personal way, we are here!
